Updated: Nov 8, 2019
My current coworker knows EVERYTHING except how to brush, floss or shut the fuck up! It looks like she soaks her teeth in Coca-Cola each day yet STILL has the NERVE to try to check me in front of a customer? Nah bish. Wrong. I had to let her know that I am NOT her lil, itty, bitty, tiny, balding boyfriend who cares what she thinks. I wouldn't even mention her melted together ass teeth if she ever shut the hell up! It's crazy. New jobs always start out great! When you're broke as hell, need a job and FINALLY get one, you're SO excited AT FIRST! You post about it on social media and walk around smiling for like two weeks until your first day. Then you find out your "boss" is a petty little douche in a cheap suite & most all of your coworkers are annoying assholes you would never spend time with outside of the prison walls we call the 9-5. Next you realize you almost forgot that most customers consistently act like spoiled, selfish, self-centered, rude, privileged and entitled whiny, bitches with control issues. Today I'm not talking about them though. Today I'm talking about coworkers I would never want to associate with online or outside of work because I don't even want to see them when I'm there.
1. The Hatin' Ass Bitch:
Hatin' ass bitches come in all shapes, sizes, colors, genders, races, religions, income levels, sexual preferences and ages. A man can be a bitch too. A BIG bitch. It never fails. No matter what job I have, I am constantly surrounded by fake ass bitches I can't stand who want to micromanage me, talk too much, whisper behind my back or try to catch me doing something wrong so they can have something to say. I actually met TWO gay men I don't like recently! It's like meeting a Mexican Trump supporter. I never knew it would happen to me but it DID and the first one is Petty Davis Jr. at every turn. The other diva is tall, bad & wannabe boujee but I KNOW queen bee is poor too or he wouldn't work at the same place I do. They are not the worst though because they are too busy being fabulous to be annoying for long. Unfortunately, I have always had it worse with women. Most every female "boss" I've ever had while being incredibly incompetent & never training me properly, are also outrageously filled with hate, resentment, low self-esteem & sadness. I quit my last job before they fired me. Now I work with a new crew of Petty Labelle ass bitches I can barely stand.
2. The Office Snitch:
Office snitches are sneaky. You never know who the kiss ass is usually until too late so I stay quiet & keep to myself. At my last job the office snitch rode around on a hover round barking out orders. Everywhere I have ever worked I get snitched on by some basic bitch. I've been called into the office for so many stupid ass reasons. I ate an apple at my desk. My pants were wrinkled. I cussed a customer out. I was asleep in the dressing room. Blah. Blah. Blah. Customers AND employees LOVE to snitch. I consider everyone at every job to be a low key snitch in some way. I'm not a snitch because that's some bitch shit and I honestly don't care. I'm only here to make money to feed my chubby ass family. As it is, if I don't look down at my feet like a sad little field nigra every time I walk past anyone at work, they give me dumb ass busy work to do. Like, "Oh. If you're not busy, could you go outside and check all the batteries in the wreaths?" Like, "What bitch? It's 12 degrees outside and I'm black. No." If I look too cute, smile or even appear to be AT ALL happy, here comes Ms. Fake Bitch aka Snitchy Lou Retton with no life trying to kill my vibe.
3. The Stalker:
At almost every job I've ever had, someone stalks me either online or in person. One woman used to watch all my YouTube videos, followed me on Facebook AND Instagram then had the nerve to sit next to me at work and say, "I'm bored and already watched all your videos. Tell me a joke." Every time my answer was the same, "No." She would be like, "FINE! Be mean if you want to!" Then I would be like, "You CAN'T guilt trip me into talking to you! If I don't want to talk to you, I do NOT have to." I made the mistake of dating an African guy I worked with long ago. Smh. Bad move. He used to say shit like, "You never know when I'm watching you." or "I better never see another man come out of your house or I will kill you both!" I had to just slowly fade away on his ass like, "Hey you! (pls don't kill me) I am SO busy with my kids (pls don't kill me) that I don't really have time to hang out (pls don't kill me) but I SUPER appreciate the invite." I gave a guy a flier once and told him to add me on Facebook. This motherfucker added me, liked 100 pictures in a row then started texting me DAILY about how he was a sensitive man who would always hold me close. Eww. No. Go away Weirdo McBeardo!
4. The Debbie/Donnie Downer:
You ever hear someone's voice and want to punch them in the throat with the might of 6 elephants, 3 whales, 2 horses and one Bruce Lee? NOBODY bitches, moans or complains as much as privileged and entitled customers but again, this post is NOT about these obnoxious, never satisfied, entitled, short tempered monsters today. You ever see someone waiting for you to ask how they are doing so they can tell you how horrible their day was? We avoid them at all costs like STDs and unwanted pregnancies. They cannot WAIT to go in depth about every shitty aspect of their shitty life. They drain your energy if you let them into your psyche. There are some people who will ALWAYS find something to bitch about. I'm not saying we don't all have bad days at times and throw a pity party but some of us put a time limit on that shit and suck it the fuck up after we realize no one really gives a damn anyway. No one cares if you're sad. Look what happened to Tyrese! He cried on Instagram ONCE thinking he would get sympathy only to publicly be called a little bitch and told to shut the fuck up by the masses. Smh. Is it rude to ask these Miserable Molly's to be sad quietly? Mope around by yourself bro.
5. Pretty Much Everyone Else:
I just generally don't like most people, or people I work with so I almost NEVER add anyone from work AT ALL at this point. At my last job, I originally friended three people then deleted two of them. The one I'm still friends with doesn't work there now and neither do I! I need to work for self. At least then I would only get on my own nerves. I have to stop working customer service/hospitality jobs because I'm neither concerned about annoying ass customers nor am I hospitable. At my new job, I can barely stand most anyone and never want them to know anything about me, where they can find me on social media or when any of my shows are. I made the mistake of telling a co-worker who became my boss about my ChicksBurgh Comedy Presents: 5 Mins of FAME Open Mic. Smh. She's been asking when the next one is. I wish I could just tell her, it's a monthly open mic I never EVER want you to attend.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not always the best employee. I take long ass breaks. I've quit jobs after one day or because it was the weekend, my "supervisor" called me Christine one too many times & it was payday. I worked at the front desk and my "boss" wanted me to clean the bathroom, tampon boxes and toilets. Nope! He was like, "I need you to clean the bathroom, all the tampon boxes and toilets. We are all a team here." I was like, "No. I work at the front desk." He was like, "Are you refusing to do what I asked?" I said, "Yes. You are correct sir. I'm not doing that." He said, "Well we might have a problem then." So I agreed, "Yes. We might have BIG problem. Do you want this uniform shirt back? I have a tank top on underneath." The same exchange happened when he tried to get me to work in the daycare. My answer was still the same, "No. I'm not doing it. Tell unattractive Biff over there with the big shiny muscles and most likely unsatisfying penis to put some babies on those rippling biceps and rock their cryin' asses to sleep." I'm actually at work right now typing this blog post, hoping no one finds me. I have to pretend to look busy whenever my young ass supervisors aren't on Snapchat, Facebook or texting "boys" on their cricket phones. Luckily a cute young black kid and his brother just started working here. It's great because I use them as a distraction! Every time they come around, all the white women start smiling and pretending to be wonderful people. While they flirt, I work on projects, write, read, draw, sleep, bust a nut or three, workout, eat or do whatever the fuck I want to within reason until it's time to go home. My boss asked when my next open mic is because she wants to perform. Lol. I haven't set a date yet but when I do, she won't know until it's over because fuck that! You can't come bih. Ever!