I am not saying your opinion about raising children is invalid unless you're a parent. I know MANY talented teachers and mentors who help children every day. A lot of them do not have children of their own but treat all children as their own and guide them into becoming amazing adults. It truly does take a village to raise a child. I also know there are plenty of sh*tty or absentee parents who STILL think their opinion counts. It doesn't unless you are playing an active role in bettering children's lives consistently.
You could be the best auntie, uncle, big brother, big sister, child care provider, counselor, teacher, family friend or child advocate alive! That's awesome! Thank you sincerely. You never know whose life you're saving. Still, just like men cannot know what cramps and childbirth are like, people without children cannot truly know what it's like to deal with a cute little needy monster every day.
Reasons to GTFOH & STFU:
1. You Get to Sleep In:
I don't want to hear SHIT about parenting if you've never eyed a baby up and down with at least a sprinkle of hate for waking you up at 4 AM. On your days off, you are actually off unless you work multiple jobs. You can stay up all night and wake up whenever you feel like it. No one is up your ass talking about being hungry. No one is scared at night and wants to sleep in your bed. Don't talk shit about parents who are happy because their kids are going back to school. F*ck you!
2. You Get to NOT Be Talked to:
When you have kids they talk to you all f*cking day long. It's great sometimes and sometimes you wish they would shut the f*ck up and leave you alone. Since its frowned upon to say shut the f*ck up to kids, parents end up tuning out a lot of shit for sanity's sake. If you're not FORCED to talk to someone when u want to be left the f*ck alone, you cannot tell me SH*T about spending more quality time or how you would be parent of the year if YOU had a child because you DON'T.
3. You DON'T Have to Take Kids to School or Pack a lunch EVERY Damn Day:
You better have your kid at school on time or the sweet faced secretary's in the office will talk ALL TYPES OF SH*T on you, to you and about you. If you're late, you better have a signed excuse or you will get a notice in the mail about your incompetence as a parent. You don't have to go to parent/teacher conferences or pretend to read an entire rain forest full of fucking paper work about dumb shit the school insists on mailing or putting in your kids "take home" folder.
4. Even If You Work with Kids, You Get to Go Home ALONE & LEAVE Their Asses:
You don't have to wake their lil' asses up every day, give them breakfast them, dress them, take them to daycare/school, pick them up, help with homework, give them dinner, spend time with them, clean them, get them in bed and do THE SAME SHIT again the next day for 18 YEARS. Don't give me sh*t for not wanting to be bothered sometimes. When us parents were young and freaky, we didn't know our genitals worked. We didn't know we would spend the rest of our lives caring for the spawn of our loins.
5. No One Breaks Your Shit but YOU:
Your house is clean unless you're a slob. If anything is broken, it's because YOU broke it. Kids break EVERYTHING! They trip over sh*t, fall on sh*t, jump on sh*t, throw each other on sh*t, throw up on your sh*t, shit on your sh*t, piss on your sh*t, scribble on your sh*t, drop sh*t, kick sh*t over, spill sh*t, crash your sh*t and act like YOU'RE a sensitive a**hole for getting mad about it. They break sh*t on purpose. They break sh*t on accident. Sometimes they invite family and friends to join in on the fun and NO ONE ever knows who broke the sh*t or what happened.
6. No One Eats Your Shit but YOU:
You don't have to hide your damn food behind the broccoli under the bag of spinach. You don't go to pour a bowl of cereal only to be enraged seconds later when you find out there is no MOTHER F*CKIN' milk! You haven't waited all day for those left overs you brought home the other night only to find the empty ass container, sitting there discarded, lonely and unloved, on top of a pile of garbage that stacks higher and higher because kids can be lazy little f*ckers who expect you to be their damn maid year round for the rest of their needy little lives.
7. You Can Turn Your Phone Off and Be Unavailable For Days:
If you can get mad and turn off your phone for hours or days at a time, you can eat my ass. If you have kids you need a phone. If you have middle school kids or teenagers, they need phones too and they will KNOW if you didn't pay the bill. They will text you from their phone (a phone you pay for) and ask if you paid the bill. If you haven't, you have failed in life because you are now an inadequate parent who can't be given any responsibility. They will snap chat to their friends using the schools wifi about how you're not sh*t. Their friends will console them for having such dumb ass parents.
8.You Can Spend ALL of Your Money on Yourself:
You can be selfish. You can buy whatever you want depending on how much money you have to splurge. You don't have to think about not buying yourself some $200 boots because your punk ass kids need to eat every day, all the damn time. You don't have to pay for school clothes, school supplies, play clothes, field trips, vacations, doctors appointments, summer school, extracurricular activities, private lessons, braces, school pictures, play dates, extra food, extra utilities or extra f*cking everything else.
9. You Can F*ck In ANY Room, Anywhere, Anytime in Your Place:
As long as you know someone who's willing to have consensual sex with you, you can bust a nut in whatever room you want without worrying if your non listening ass child is going to barge in after you AGAIN said to knock first. It's a wonder parents have more than one kid because kids make GREAT birth control. Kids can drain joy & happiness from your heart with their constant whines, cries, tantrums, endless cycle of needs, unlimited amount of talking to you & never ending demands.
10. You Don't Have Another Parent or Grandparents Sh*t to Deal with:
Count your blessings a**hole. No child support court for you. No "baby mamas" or "baby daddies" to worry about hating for all eternity. No step-kids to ignore. No arguing about discipline. No grandparents shitting on your parenting style like they know everything in the world even though they just half raised YOUR dumb ass. No mental illness you don't know about. You don't have to be cordial with someone you just wanted to bone a few times because now you both have a baby together whose staring you in the face like, "Good job douche bag. Hope you have a job. Get your SH*T together."
Kids are actually pretty awesome most times even though they drive many parents to day drink. If you don't have kids, cool. Great job pulling out, working that IUD or buying the morning after pill in time. I just don't want to hear your unsolicited parenting advice because you're NOT a parent. Would I ask a broke ass dude how to be wealthy? Would I ask a three time divorcee for marriage advice? No.
Know any other reasons people without kids should gtfoh? Comment below!