Let me start off by saying that I get on my OWN damn nerves sometimes. I'm always working to improve, understand, validate and love myself more. Just like everyone else, I'm an always evolving, work in progress. I don't think I am better than anyone else. As I get older and the need for outside approval shrinks, childhood friends become distant memories & I learn more about myself, I realize not everyone is your friend long term and that can be a GREAT thing!
Fortunately, I am surrounded by an amazingly wide variety of Goddesses. They are beautiful, talented, educated, inventive, hilarious, elegant, empowering and awe inspiring women whom I love dearly & learn from daily. Unfortunately, I also know quite a few corny bitches who can kiss my jiggly black ass RIGHT in the cellulite pockets. It would be awesome if we could ALL empower, encourage, uplift, respect and honor one another. I would LOVE to unify like a giant, one-size-fits-all, "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants". In reality though, there will most likely always be at least one hatin' ass bitch lurkin' around. Many of the traits that different Types of Men Who Dry My Vagina exhibit also apply to women who can kiss my keister.
Here's a short list of women who can pucker up and plant a big fat kiss RIGHT on my giant ass the NEXT time they have some bullshit to say.
Women Who Can Kiss My Jiggly Ass:
1. Hatin' Ass Women:
There is ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS at least one hatin' ass B word in your circle (Even if you're sitting alone). It could be at work, the gym, at home, at church, at the club, at the library or ANYWHERE else you frequent. They come in many different colors, shapes, sizes, ages, races and religions. They can be rich. They can be poor. They can be middle class. They can be suburban. They could be urban. They could be men. MANY men are hatin' ass bitches too. They could be outright rude or passive aggressive. You know one when you see one. You can smell the stench of, "I hate me so I hate you and I'm gonna be a dick about it" body spray they apparently douse themselves in when they wake up each morning.
2. Cheap/ Chronically Broke Women:
I don't owe you shit. I can't come get you and bring you home without gas money. You can't borrow money you can't pay back. I'm not your mom. I'm not your sugar daddy. If I loan you money, I will stalk you until you repay me EVERY cent. No, you can't have one of my wings. Get your own damn ranch. No, I don't have a cigarette. GTFOH with your beggin' ass. I'm a single mama with two giant black sons who eat everything! I need to get a second job to provide for us so don't come to me looking for handouts. No one is here to save you. This is not some Disney movie and YOU are not some orphan people feel sorry for. No, I'm not gonna do your eyebrows for free and layer your wig for you. No, you CAN'T get into my show for free! Yes, I want you to go away and stop asking me for shit you could get yourself if you got off your cheap/lazy/broke ass and worked or PAID for it.
3. Women Who "Slut Shame":
I just don't get this. When I see women "slut shaming" other women, my first thought is, "B*tch shut up. Who asked you? You probably smell like the balls of someone with shitty credit RIGHT now so be quiet and go brush your teeth." Safe/Consensual sex is awesome. Some like to f*ck more than others. Don't drink after them and mind your damn business. You have never had sex on a 1st date? You don't give head? Lies! Just stop it! Women get enough shit already without piling on heaping loads of stupid expectations, misplaced guilt and unreasonable judgments cast from someone who may be at the altar EVERY Sunday praying everyone will forget their "whorish" twenties. Send a pic of your pu**y to someone you love. Live a little. I wonder if they actually feel better about their boring ass life when they degrade other women. I doubt it. It just helps them temporarily forget how much they suck and how few orgasms they are having because no one can bare to listen to them talk long enough to see them naked.
4. Women Who Gossip or Spread Rumors:
It's true. If someone talks sh*t TO you, they will talk sh*t ABOUT you. Period. Again, my first thought when a woman or group of women attempt to engage me in gossip or rumors is, "Bitch stfu. Go away. I don't have time for your stupid ass commentary about nothing. Talk to me about something that matters or get back on Instagram posting pics of unattractive meals you prepare on paper plates. " I am super empathetic and when people feel like shit, it effects my mood so I do my best to stay around people who are successful, happy and goal oriented. Spreading rumors is the dumbest shit ever! Learn a new language. Do some push-ups. Grow a garden. SOMETHING! ANYTHING! You don't have sh*t else better to do than make up lies about other people because your bored? Bye b*tch.
5. Cheating/Stealing/Lyin'/Fake Ass Women:
One time I complimented this gorgeous young lady. I said, "That is a beautiful dress. It looks great on you." She said, "Thanks! I stole it from Burlington!" I never talked to her again. Beat it crook! I don't want your negative energy and bad karma near me. Don't try to involve me in your lie. My ex-bestie once said, "O.K. so I told my girl you and I were at this party. Here is what I need you to say if she asks you about me." My response: "No. First, I don't like people interrogating me. Second, I'm not going to remember your lie. Third, I don't care so leave me out of your drama." If you don't like me, don't hug me. If we're just being cordial, let's just hate each other from across the room like normal people and keep it moving.
6. Petty/Copycat/Clingy/Whiny/Needy/Creepy Women:
I shop at the Goodwill so it's hard to "bite my style" though I SWEAR some women will see my pics on social media one day and look JUST LIKE ME the next. That ever happen to you? Maybe I'm just crazy. If we go to an event, don't cling to me. Mingle. Get to know new people. I'm going to disappear a few times and blaze outside. At the same time, don't be a crazy/jealous bitch and leave me stranded either. My ex-friend got mad once because we were out at a night club and for the first time guys were paying me more attention than her. (I lost weight and had long braids like Poetic Justice). This bitch ditched me ALL NIGHT. I didn't find her until we were the last one's left in the club after the lights came on.
7: Women Who Talk Too Much About Nothing:
I am guilty of this sometimes and it gets on my nerves about myself so I do my best to curb the tendency because I cannot STAND when people get long winded. No one really wants to hear anyone talk for very long. We all have a limited attention span and better shit to do with our day than listen to someone ramble on about nothing. Even if you're talking about Pulitzer Prize winning topics, there is a limit to the amount of time people want to hear your voice. I hate small talk. I have friends I never see in person because they talk too much and there is no way to stop them. I love them dearly. I just cannot listen to them prattle on for long periods of time.
8. Women Who Say I'm Immature Because I Like Video Games:
I LOVE video games. My favorite is Grand Theft Auto IV. I also love Left for Dead, Call of Duty: Black Ops & Soul Calibur V. Women who say adults who play video games are immature are the types of women I kill FIRST when I'm playing Grand Theft Auto. I slap books out of people's hands while they're reading, coffee out of people's mouths, groceries out of their arms, newspapers away and glasses off their face. I knock over people holding a "chair pose" in the park and steal people's cars, drive them a block up, make them chase me, beat them up in the streets, have a shootout with the cops, get 6 stars, retreat into an underground tunnel & lose the cops. After a long day, I hit up the strip club, make it rain a lil' bit and then find the caring, chubby prostitute with a pretty smile & sweet disposition BEHIND the strip club to spend a quiet evening alone with in my latest stolen car. SHE understands me.
9. Bossy/Bitchy/Overly Competitive Women:
Being bossy and being assertive are too very different things. Assertive women are confident and focused. I respect that drive and ambition. Bossy women are controlling, manipulative and try to impose their views on everyone else. Don't get a tone with me. I don't want to put my penis in you. I don't care what your thoughts are if I didn't ask for your biased opinion. Don't get snippy, roll your eyes or neck, suck your teeth, put your hands on your hips or try to tell me what to do. Wrong move. All those Mrs. "Me Too", prima donnas out there can kiss my ass as well. I was in an aerobics class on the mat doing crunches with a group of about 25 women. I was struggling until I looked over and saw this bitch trying to race me in sit-ups. Every damn time I looked over she was staring me in my sweaty face, trying to match my pace. Bitch you win! Good job.
10. Nosy Women:
Don't ask me how my kids are doing if you don't really care. Don't ask me about my personal life. Don't ask where I live like you're coming over. Don't just drop by. I won't answer OR pretend not to be home. Like TI said, "You might see me in the streets. Remember you don't know me." If I want to tell you something, I WILL. If I don't, I WON'T. It's that simple. Gtfo of my mouth! Don't ask me questions you already know the answer to. Keep your punk ass opinions to yourself. It would be one thing if nosy women were sincerely concerned when they ask how your relationship is going. That's not reality though. Often times they just ask so they can compare their shitty lives to yours or so they can tell their lil' bitch made friends your business. Shout out to all the super judgmental "Know-It-Alls" out there . Nobody likes you.
Luckily not ALL women are horrible she-monsters. Just like men, there are a lot of phenomenal ladies out there shining and doing amazing things. Shine on! I salute you and cannot wait to meet you if we haven't met already! If we have, let's meet again and have a blast!
P.S. A friend just asked if all my posts are going to be about things/people I don't like. Probably not. That would get super old really quick. I often feel like a crazy mix of Oscar the Grouch, Yosemite Sam, Donald Duck, Grumpy Smurf & Squidward Tentacles. I'm working through it though.
Know Any More Types of Women Who can Kiss YOUR jiggly/toned ass? Comment below!