Let me start off by saying that I am two handfuls and KNOW I have plenty of habits and traits that annoy the hell out of people at times. I am an "acquired taste" and my style of crae doesn't always mesh well with others. Each year as I get older, more shit gets on my damn nerves. When I was in my twenty's guys paying me ANY attention at all was a BIG deal because I was almost 300 pounds with super low self-esteem. My confidence still needs improvement but I have definitely grown over the years and can no longer be bothered with having more than a millisecond long conversation about nothing with someone who makes my skin crawl AND my vagina dry. Thank goodness for vibrators, porn, high grade, yoga, a vivid imagination & liquor! Here's a short list of men who turn my camel toe into the Sahara Desert.
Men Who Dry My Vagina:
1. Cheap/Chronically Broke Men:
My vagina dries faster than the speed of light when I am around a shitty tipper. Cheap men are such a turn off. If you complain about the bill... DRY. If you want to take me to low class places all the time... DRY. If I am nice enough to come get you and you don't offer me gas money... DRY. No coochie for you sir. It's just so unbecoming to be miserly. People with money have no problem spending money because they know they will make more. Don't ask me for shit and CERTAINLY never ask me for money. DRY. It doesn't make me materialistic to want a man who can provide for himself and treat me to nice things. I only expect what I would give in return.
2. Men Who Don't Eat P*ssy:
Dude it's 2017! If you STILL do not give your woman "oral pleasure" you are absolutely a turn-off. My vagina dries faster than a raisin in the sun when I hear about these mythical, unicorn men who don't know how to please a woman with their tongue. Don't you want a woman to blow your mind? Don't you want someone to ravish your body and make you a sandwich later? Whelp sir. I suggest you practice, practice, practice. Might even get some apple slices and cold juice with that sandwich! Seriously though. It's a BIG deal. It makes it a lot easier to forget to take out the garbage or do the dishes when you provide consistent orgasms. Take your time. Don't rush. Don't become a cannibal either though. Pace that shit out.
3. Homophobic/Sexist/Racist Men:
I just can't understand homophobic, sexist and racist men. What difference does it make who has sex with who as long as they are both consenting adults? Homophobic men are usually "in the closet". They can't go to gay bars. They make rude comments. They have a problem with gay marriage and an issue with who uses which bathroom. They also usually have a problem getting laid. DRY. This type of man dries my vagina faster than a crack head's lips on a cold winter morning. Same goes for sexist and racist men. DRY. Your hands must chafe from all the masturbation. I don't get sexist men who claim to enjoy women. Your lonely penis is a great indicator that you should change your ways.
4. Clingy/Needy/Whiny/Creepy Men:
"Thanks for accepting my friend request sexy." DRY. Random d*ck pic with basic looking, half flaccid penis and extra long pubes. DRY. "Let me eat your butt." DRY. "Pie me in the face 6 times with 6 circus pies." SUPER DRY! If we have never met, don't tell me you're in love with me. If I don't return your call/text/email/inbox/dm/vm.. It's because I don't like you. Complain all the time? DRY! At one point obsessive men seemed flattering. As I get older and stalkers grow bolder, I want to learn self-defense and be ready to taser someone in the nuts just in case one of these vagina drying creepers get's too close. Like 40 of my pictures in a row on FaceBook including my baby pictures. DRY. Have friends. Have a life. Go out. Do sh*t. Don't try to imprison people with your "love".
5. Men Who Talk Too Damn Much:
I cannot STAND men who just yap away. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. DRY! I can't stand ANYONE who talks too much. I used to talk too much. Sometimes I still do but I also know when to stfu and listen. Listening is an art that many have yet to acquire. While some are busy hogging the conversation and being self absorbed, they don't seem to notice that no one is paying attention and everyone wishes they would shut the ENTIRE f*ck up and go away. I cannot handle rambling or babbling conversations. Men who talk too much in person are worse than people who leave long ass voice mails and paragraph posts on social media. I can't take it. I HATE small talk. I will stop someone dead in their long winded tracks like... whoa... whoa.. whoa... PLEASE be quiet. Your energy repels as vaginas across the land dry faster than a Jheri curl with no activator.
6: Men With NO Sense of Humor:
Laughter truly is the BEST medicine. If you can make me laugh.. SPLASH! It is so important to be able to laugh at yourself, others and the world around you. If a guy is super uptight and can't take a joke... DRY! Trust me when I say that making a woman laugh is a great way to get her to remember you. Hilarious nerds are sexy. Not having a sense of humor is also a great indication that you are boring and would end up getting on my last damn nerve in a matter of minutes. Boring men dry vaginas faster than a speeding bullet. It's a "no brainer". Be fun. Be adventurous. Be mysterious. Be silly. Relax. Loosen up if you wanna loosen up bra straps. We all have a comedian inside of us. We all love to laugh and be around people who make us smile.
7. Men Who Want You to Chase Them:
I refuse. I am NOT gonna waste my time chasing a man. I am not "inboxing", calling, texting, stopping by to visit or waiting for anyone's phone call. I am not going to go out of my way to chase after anyone. If there is some confusion whether or not you like me, I don't feel the need to play detective trying to figure it out. That is just as bad as paying for penis. Under certain circumstances (like I'm a wealthy old lady who just wants to get her freak on), I would maybe buy some c*ck. Under NO circumstance will I beg a man to pay attention to me, have time for me, spend money on me or call me their girlfriend. Aint nobody got time for all that junior high bullshit. In the words of Beyonce, "Boy bye". Confidence is sexy. Cockiness is corny.
8. Aggressive Men:
Being aggressive and being assertive are two entirely different things. It is assertive to walk up to me and introduce yourself because you are interested in getting to know me. It turns aggressive when men start cat calling, trying to grind on the dance floor, grabbing me or stalking me on social media. A guy once told me that most women like men to take charge and be dominating. I definitely require a "take charge" kind of guy. At the same time, I am not going to be forced, pushed, cajoled or bullied into doing anything that I don't want to do regardless of whether a man tries to persuade, manipulate or threaten me with their absence. Aggressive men often become violent and since I would have to kill a bitch & I'm not cut out for prison, I ask early on what they are like when they are angry and how they handle themselves in difficult situations. Pushy men make pu**y's parched.
9. Lyin' Ass Men/Men Who Omit info:
Lying is just as bad as cheating. I despise liars and people who omit the truth. My mama always said, "If you can lie, you can steal. If you can steal, you can kill and if you can kill, there's no telling WHAT you are capable of." If you break my trust, it will most likely never come back. If you tell me you are single but I see pics posted of you and your girlfriend smiling and laughing, I'm going to assume you're a complete asshole who doesn't care who they disrespect. I will respect your woman even if you won't. If you cannot be up front about little things, I will not stick around to hear you lie about big things. Don't lie on your d*ck. Don't brag about how great you are in bed. Don't boast about how many women you've slept with. No one cares. Talk is cheap. Be honest and up front.
10. Men With No Manners:
A kind gentlemen gets pu**y like nobody's business! Men who open doors for us, buy our drinks, take us out to awesome places, come pick us up, send morning texts, compliment us and cater to us get the blow jobs of a lifetime from adoring women who want nothing more than to make their mans orgasms more intense each time she sees him. She will cook for you, clean for you, listen to you and care about your life because you have gone out of your way to spoil her. She will spoil you in ways that leave wet spots on your bed and a warm spot in your heart. Don't EVER call me out of my name. Don't ever insult me or scream at me and NEVER (if you like living) EVER put your hands on me. Cowards hit women. It is so refreshing to be in the company of a gentleman. Though I am a tomboy at heart, when I am around a man who treats me like the Queen I am, I cannot help but to serve him all the delights I can think of and treat him like the King he is. Want to turn a woman on? Seduce her mind, body and spirit. Wanna dry a vagina FAST? Be an asshole! Works EVERY time.
Luckily not ALL men are douche bags. There are lots of awesome guys out there who don't get the props they deserve. There are also PLENTY of women out there with shitty dispositions who can kiss my jiggly black ass too! I think that will be the title of my next blog post...
What other types of men make YOUR vagina dry? Comment below!