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Pittsburgh Port Authority Types


Nobody likes crowded subways or buses. Most are either too hot or too cold. You never want to sit next to anyone and you certainly don't want to stand for a long ass time. People don't want to sit next to you either though some EXTRA do. They can't WAIT to invade your personal space and privacy with their unwelcomed presence. We all secretly judge each other on our way to do whatever we are being FORCED to do that made us have to venture out of our homes and cram into a sweaty, sardine can on wheels, titty to titty, ass to face, junk to face, or armpit to nose with questionable people you would probably never talk to under any other circumstance.

You climb aboard. The driver usually looks like they hate life, themselves, their boss, their co-workers, their friends, their families and you. They want you to go away. I understand this. I would be a HORRIBLE bus driver. Buses I travel on often smell like a mix of different unwashed asses, urine, plaque, butt, cigarette butts, B.O., athletes feet, stale fast food, sweat, 1/2 pints of Nikolai vodka & stale Black & Mild's. Many also have a colorful variety of sticky substances splattered in crevices, on the floor and between the seats. I am also greeted warmly by grease stains on the glass from people resting their often dirty scalps on the window because they are exhausted or their lives suck.

Many people fit into multiple categories. There are many types I didn't list in detail or at all. There's almost always someone who looks disheveled. They may possibly be wet for some mystery reason or come fully equipped with a unique stink. There are also die hard sports fans who LOVE and MIGHT KILL you over the Steeler's, Pirates & Pens. There are "yinzers". There are unsupervised teens who annoy the shit out of everyone.

Short list of people you might sit/stand next to on the bus:

1. The Disabled/Elderly/Pregnant Women with or w/o Staring Ass Kids:

Hog the best seats. Move people out of the way. Physically/mentally challenged. Senior citizens who think our generation is full of overly sensitive p*ssies. Grocery bag filled with mystery sh*t. Expectant mothers who don't want you to touch their bellies. Cryin' ass babies. Kids rarely sit down, talk loud as hell, stare at you without blinking and no one corrects them.

2. Broke Ass Artists/Comedians/Poets/Musicians/Lyricists/Rappers:

Visible cigarettes box seen through pocket of skinny jeans. Smells like weed. Broke down shoes or sandals. Carrying a Sketch Pad with deep thoughts in the margins, a Notebook full of poems, songs & feelings. Giant Instrument that takes up two seats. Takes selfies with a serious expression on their face while looking out the window. Pretends to listen to NPR. Smug grin. Hates Trump. Pays fare in laundry quarters.

3. Bernie/Hillary/Racist Trump Supporters:

Bernie: Everyone with Sense Hillary: Everyone Who knows Bernie Can't Win & doesn't want Trump to Destroy the World Trump: Dumb, rich, secret supporters. Mainly Poor Republicans. "Make America Great Again" apparel & accessories. Hates brown people, Muslims (who are often brown) and "the gays". Chews skoal. Missing teeth. All jean outfits. Looks like their main diet is a dose of dumb, ignorance, beef jerky, possum and guns. Posts "Blue Lives Matter" like an a**hole on Facebook.

4. Rich People Pretending to Be Poor & Poor People Pretending to Be Rich:

Rich People: Clothes from Target, Kohl's & Goodyear. Expensive watches, earrings, necklaces, rings, purses, wallets & sunglasses. Thick plastic Starbucks cup with straw. Mac computer. iPhone 6 Poor People: Designer Clothes. $150.00 shoes. iPhone 6. Expensive watches, earrings, rings, necklaces, purses, wallets, fitted hats and sunglasses.

5. Vegans/Bikers/Hippies:

Smell like raw, cooked or steamed veggies. Smell like incense. Some smell like scalp and despair. Always have a salad or fruit close by. Looks with disgust at people eating meat. Clothes from Goodwill. $1,000.00 bike. Cut off skinny shorts. Skinny Jeans. Definitely has a cat. Might have a dog. Probably does yoga. Tank tops. Band T'Shirts. Carrying recycled bag from Whole Foods or Trader Joe's. Toned ass and thighs.

There are hardworking nurses, teachers and admin. assistants who should be paid WAY more than they make. There is always someone who takes up two seats due to too many bags or a lot of booty. There is ALWAYS someone representing the LGBTQI community. Black Lives Matter Protesters & Supporters ride the bus too. The "All Lives Matter" type sit hating quietly. At least one person will most likely be racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic or ALL of the above.

Someone is always entirely too loud on their cricket phone. There is almost always someone "foreign" who Pittsburgh natives assume to be Mexican or Muslim because they are not easily identifiable as black, white, Asian or Indian. Someone is always either fresh out of jail or living in a half way house. Violent people never to make eye contact with ride subways too. There's at least one war veteran on the bus who can still kick someones ass. There are also a lot of punk, goth & metal heads wearing a chain wallet, anarchy symbols and boots in the summer. There are plenty of weekend alcoholic college students. There's at least one drunk or drug addict leaning to the side. And last but not least, let's not forget the creep on the bus who takes pics of you with his phone on silent with one hand hidden in his pocket.

What Types of Port Authority Personalities can YOU think of? What did I miss? Comment Below!


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